Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal