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I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.