You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant