The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?