i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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Legend 🤣🤣
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
You better watch out
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars