(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
You Might Also Like
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Need WebMD
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.