I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
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[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.