Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that