ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
It was worth a shot 😂
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
This forever.