Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move