“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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If you had more money you’d be happier.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words