*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
new year update: losing everything but weight
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb