Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
when someone rings the doorbell
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Aight bet
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.