I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one