A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
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If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I don’t get marriage
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!