These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
This makes total sense…
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Cats (2019)