“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
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*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream