Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
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I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
another case of gang violins
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding