“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Support your local cemetery
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no