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In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.