I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?