While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Monday
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
i love meeting boys on tinder
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.