I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.