I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
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Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Barbie gone wild
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.