me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
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My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
good work, detective
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.