Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
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Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.