I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
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I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine