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You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh