Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes