SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
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Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
She: I like Cats
He: