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If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
spicy snake
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Is your wife single?
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time