My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”