My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
O Wise One….
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.