People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
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never compromise your values
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.