Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
You Might Also Like
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words