I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
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Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.