I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
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the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there