So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names