I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
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Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences