the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit