me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
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8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
can’t bark with your mouth full
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
#polloftheday
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
when nothing goes right… go left
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.