@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
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college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
smartest karate player in the world
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
According to math, I’m broke
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
all bases covered
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.