I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
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Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Baking is just science you can eat.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha