It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?