People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
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Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
😲 WTF? 😆
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.