I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
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If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Coffee for people with no kids
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!