Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
You Might Also Like
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.