starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
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4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)