ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
“We will wed,” I threatened
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Ok but actually
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.