If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
You Might Also Like
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Who does Amazon think I am?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
This made me smile…
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how